Top Shelf Malt Liquidity, 2022 Edition, Part 1
Ven's 35th to 17th best locations to procure the cause and solution of life's problems
Here at Malt Liquidity, I spend a lot of time talking about “liquidity”, but not enough about “malt” for it to be carrying its weight as 28% of the site’s name. To fix that, after being unfortunately introduced to the “World’s 50 best bars”, the contrarian in me felt like I had to disagree with it as much as I could. In addition to ranking these bars, I will be adding between 0 and 3 stars, which indicate how encouraged you should be to close down the place. Bars were weighted on whether I could actually remember drinking at them, whether or not they were already on existing lists (if avoidable), drink quality, uniqueness of aesthetic, and ability to enjoy solo. I mention food if it’s noteworthy, but it’s generally an afterthought in these places and doesn’t play an official role in the rankings.
Some notes:
This list spans over 20 cities, and includes breweries, clubs, cocktail bars, dive bars, wine bars, sports bars, trendy bars, scenic bars, exclusive bars, themed bars, and historical bars. I notably excluded pubs, because those rankings are always personal and defined by you making it “home”. The “best bars” in any city are sort of known on aggregate — I hope to highlight an overlooked vibe or my own best of what is renowned as “best”, and why. This list was also more expansive, but unfortunately, the pandemic took out a fair chunk of some of the bars near and dear to my heart, so I had to downsize. Without further delay, let’s begin!
35. Adrift — Denver, CO 🌟
Away from the glitz of LoHi and the circlejerk of regional versions of New York clones lies the only tiki bar I’ve ever tolerated in my life, which is why it made the list. Primarily a happy hour location, though also worth stopping at the end of a night, it’s a great spot to bring a date before you acquiesce and book a table at Death & Co.
34. Ballast Point Brewing Co. — San Diego, CA
Crafting the beers that tapped me in and then out of the “scene”, perhaps no other brewery had as much of a Livermore-esque history than Ballast Point — at one point, I could wander a random street market in Bangkok and find its beer, shortly after it sold to Constellation for $1 billion, upon which it faced an ignominious end and was liquidated for $40 million so Constellation could focus on hard seltzers. Nevertheless, the beer is fantastic and iconic, and at the Little Italy location, perfectly situated to find a habanero or orange creamsicle beer you didn’t think you’d enjoy before moving on.
33. Therapy — Las Vegas, NV
Away from the walking carbuncle that is drinking on the strip in the various glam bars and high limit rooms is downtown Las Vegas, which consistently gets overlooked unless you happen to hang out with Vegas locals. Therapy benefits from being located near one of my favorite “dive casinos” in El Cortez and from my non-inclusion of food, which is pedestrian and generally forgettable. The drinks are potent, and with a good crew, it’s precisely the right amount of an airy environment you need to get away from the debauchery of the rest of Vegas. Of course, when you’re done with your drinks, by all means, partake in it.
32. Pine Ridge Vineyards — Napa, CA
As someone who enjoys playing the pretentious role sometimes, touring Napa was too much even for me. While there are more famous vineyards, Pine Ridge benefitted from being low key and positioned at the back half of my tour, having been plied with wine at a couple prior tastings before making it to this one. Their pours are heavier and their wine, particularly the Cabernet, is fantastic. It’s definitely a great stop before you inevitably pass out in your Tesla ride home.
31. Texas Live! — Arlington, TX 🌟
A stone’s throw away from Cowboys Stadium (which, I swear, didn’t play a factor into my ranking due to that being a primary cause of my drinking on Sundays), Texas Live is probably the most cavernous, awestriking sports bar I’ve ever been to. With a smattering of bars and more TVs per square mile in a place than I think I’ve ever seen, it’s like a sports bar Smorgasbord but, you know, actually fun. Fair warning — it gets incredibly crowded on football Sundays.
30. Alien Brewpub — Albuquerque, NM
On a lot of my road trips, I try to stop in the southwest for a day or two. New Mexico is one of the most overlooked travel destinations in all of the states, and while its sister Santa Fe is the one with the fancy NYU art degree that moved out to the desert, Albuquerque punches above its weight in its role in iconic culture and cuisine. Alien brewpub is one of the more unique themed breweries I’ve been to, and maybe I liked it so much because I went around the time that whole “Storm Area 51” nonsense was going on. Nevertheless, the beer is great, as are the burgers.
29. Dragon i — Hong Kong 🌟🌟🌟
If you’re going to club, do it right — at least before the pandemic, this was my favorite spot to grab a table and watch the spectacle of a Vegas nightclub turned up to 11. You might even feel like a baller, until you see the 9 bottles of Dom flow to the table next to you. In any case, the sets are generally great, and it’s a fine way to spend your time before inevitably stumbling to Ebeneezer’s on your way home.
28. Ginza 300 — Tokyo, JP 🌟🌟
Situated in perhaps the most luxe shopping district in the world, you might expect this entry to follow the previous one. In fact, it’s the polar opposite. With a hefty 3 drink minimum, all drink tickets are pre-purchased and exchanged for whatever you want at the bar. A fantastic late night stop after shopping and dinner, you can expect a smoky, crowded environment as everyone edges their time to make the last train home.
27. AZ/88 — Scottsdale, AZ 🌟
In my eyes, Phoenix and Scottsdale are synonymous with overpricing and underdelivering. So when I stumbled upon this part-bar part-art installation, I was expecting more of the same. In a sense, it is a bit basic that the best drink they make is an espresso martini, but it’s noteworthy enough such that if you ever find yourself in Arizona, it’s worth a trip out specifically to try theirs. Also, the bathroom evokes a different kind of throwback to 80’s culture than a Netflix show provides.
26. Bar Genao — Taipei, TW 🌟
The original, pre-pandemic location will always remain as an all-time favorite bar, but unfortunately the times have changed and Bar Genao resides in a more lively area, yet in a less opulent basement. This time around, they have a menu, but the same cocktail connoisseur remains behind the bar, and if you throw some directions his way, he’ll concoct you a fantastic, unique drink. Of note are their rum-based cocktails and their baijiu hidden beneath the sink, which you can take a shot of on your way out if you’re so inclined.
25. Grand Central Oyster Bar — New York, NY
Shockingly, while typing out this section, I discovered that this bar has a Tokyo clone. Nevertheless, while Tokyo has a far superior culture of having edible food in subway stations, and superior subways in general, the original location has a special place in the heart of everyone who wants to live out any type of “Old New York” fantasy, whether you want to larp as an ad executive, a pre-2008 investment banker, or an alcoholic with deep pockets. Personally, I drink dirty martinis until I lose count (always with gin), because the olives are enough nutrition for me, but the actual dining room is very good as well.
24. The Bar Stock Exchange — Mumbai (and others), IN
While the concept is nothing new, I avoid partaking in any market manipulation, legal or not, while in a jurisdiction of the SEC. Paradoxically, while in regular markets you want to “buy low sell high”, the fun in this place lies in how much you can “Bill Hwang” an individual ticker, manipulating it up as much as possible before it inevitably blows up when you try and cash out. I know I said food wasn’t a consideration, but major bonus points for this bar due to its proximity to Indian Taco Bell and the greatest fast food menu item of all time, the Chicken Tikka Masala burrito. That’s a location point, right?
23. Bathtub Gin — New York, NY 🌟🌟
I generally disdain speakeasies due to the it being the bar equivalent of performative wokeness as you look up a password or something on fucking Yelp to figure out how to get in to a bar that has a slick, private-equity feel to it rather than the authentic pre-1960s racial bias you came for. Nevertheless, if you’re going to spend the better part of a 20 on a hand-crafted gin and tonic, you might as well do it here. Perhaps the only sane place in the realm of the Tao’s and 1Oak’s of the neighborhood, it was also particularly amusing to walk by this bar on the way to pick up my laundry and see a confrontation with the bouncer.
22. McSorley’s Old Ale House — New York, NY
McSorley’s is the only bar I will call a “New York institution” as it’s iconic due to its role in drinking history, its role in literary history (in the vein of a Dog and Duck), and its maintenance as an actually pleasurable “known” bar to drink at, as opposed to other noteworthy bars and restaurants which coast off their image (cough, Cipriani.) Pound a 2 and 2 then make your way over to KGB bar to take a shot of warm Smirnoff and gawk at some self-identified “beatniks” for 15 minutes before starting your night.
21. Vesper — Bangkok, TH 🌟
Five years ago, I met a friend for dinner at the original Somtum Der, after which we parted ways as he looked for a massage while I sought a drink. I thought I was walking by a James Bond themed cocktail bar, and after a few potent drinks I sauntered back to my hotel with the kind of fake spy feeling that only wearing an Omega 007 Seamaster can give you. I was surprised to see that this bar had blown up so much in recent years, as I thought it was just on a random street, but the more you know. The menu looks quite different and it seems the bartending philosophy has changed, but it’s easily one of the less seedy, upscale places to go in Bangkok.
20. Silver Lining — Taipei, TW 🌟🌟
Copied from my Taiwan post:
Silver Lining is a recently opened cocktail bar that I stumbled across while looking to grab a quick drink after landing that turned into an all-night bender, closing down the bar and venturing out with the staff to another. The bartenders can handle any request you make of them, and seem to specialize in gin drinks. Continuing in the tradition of unexpected exports of California culture, they have their own version of Animal fries on the menu, and this rendition was fantastic.
If you’re feeling adventurous, ask for a mezcal-chartreuse concoction.
19. Outer Heaven Disco Club — Austin, TX 🌟🌟🌟
“Keep Austin Weird” is a slogan that’s gone the way of “We are the 99%”, in that the original connotation is known, but the movement has long since sputtered out, like the last remnants of a cigarette tossed into a side street. Nevertheless, this bar puts forth a noble effort, describing itself in this manner:
Our bar is pirate ship in a sea of capitalist scumbags and we aim to battle the rich vultures, rather than be another nail in Austin’s coffin.
Somewhat removed from the well-known Sixth street bars, a younger, diverse crowd comes to enjoy cheap, well-made drinks and dancing underneath a disco ball surrounded by hand-drawn, eclectic art shining underneath a blacklight throughout the bar. On other nights, you can enjoy karaoke, and while I don’t know about how “weird” I’d call this bar, it’s certainly a place that doesn’t fit in.
18. San Carlo Osteria Piemonte — New York, NY
In my formative drinking years, I had the pleasure of living right down the street from this renowned Piedmont restaurant and would constantly stop in on my way home for happy hour. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve imbued my brain permanently with love for Piedmont reds, and this is the bar that started it all for me. Ultra talented, no-nonsense bartenders will run through the wine list and banter with you. They also introduced me to Ruffian, a fantastic bar that barely missed the cut on this list. Plus, their happy hour comes with fantastic appetizers.
17. Orient Express — New York, NY 🌟
A classic move of mine was to put my name on the list for the Spotted Pig and wander off to either the White Horse Tavern or Orient Express for a drink. Thankfully, neither of these bars went the way of the Spotted Pig, which had its own er- frayed- history. While the White Horse Tavern is more renowned, the Orient Express is not only named after one of my favorite books growing up, but has potent cocktails and a fun railway theme. Sorta like an Employees Only without the fuss.
To be continued…