'Parlez vous Francais?'
Nein, aber ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch.
Originally, I studied German with the intention of studying and living in Berlin. Unfortunately, life got in the way, and outside of a classroom setting, the only time I have ever spoken German conversationally is in a night market in Bangkok with a 28-year-old German man and an eastern European woman. I was going to write this post in German first, and translate at the bottom, but then I realized this wasn't a homework assignment, and that I didn't want to spend two hours with Google translate getting through this one. Generally, I consider 'knowing' a language to be the point when you stop instantaneously translating what you hear back to your native language. German is in this weird purgatory for me where I don't translate to english, because I quite literally can't, but the language doesn't sound foreign - it's just short of understandable, but natural, like being "pro-science" and "anti-GMO". Thanks, documentaries.
Naturally, outside of the classroom, I concocted my own 'German' experiences without ever leaving Lower Manhattan, like any stereotypical NYU student does. (Seriously, the word 'borough' might as well have the connotation of 'black forest' to the average transplant student.) A particular favorite hangout of mine was Paulaner, which, during Bayern München matches, was the 'official' bar of the team. French might be the best language to not understand, but German is definitely the best language to slur your words in. Also, Bayern wins like every year.
Weirdly enough, a solid three months out of the curriculum was just learning about clubbing culture. While I figure I might stumble into a Berlin club in a maudlin state of curiosity at some point in my life, personally, I have no desire to wait in line for a day to get into Berghein, where the Bouncer does interviews like Musk does earnings reports. However, I particularly enjoy listening to German sets, because you can really tell the flavor isn't about a 3-hour gig in Vegas followed by a flight straight to Ibiza, but rather a minimalist, laid-back vibe where you can always check out, cause you know someone will be mixing all night long.
A.N.A.L. @ TANZ IN DEN MAI -Essigfabrik Köln- (01.05.2014) (Youtube)
I found Alles Nur Aus Liebe, stylized as A.N.A.L. (including on Spotify, much to my chagrin, where friends' scrutinizing eyes ask me what the hell I'm listening to), purely through chance ages ago. Not being a club-type myself, it never made sense for me to listen to big room music centered around drops while at my desk or trying to talk to other people, so this Kraftwerk-for-druggies vibe I got from all of his sets was very up my alley. While A.N.A.L. is explicitly a minimalist, the four-track philosophy of a percussion-style line, a main synth track, an effects synth track, and vocals shows up a lot - as such, through my traversal of German music, almost nothing feels overproduced. (Now, compare this to a certain pop artist featuring a certain man at a discothèque having a heightened bout of anxiety.) Though being minimalist, none of these sets are boring - there are constant transitions, and though the bass-hat-snare-hat pattern might not divert too much, the emphasis is on rhythm, rather than bass, as if to create the perfect environment to do that exaggerated walk "dance" people do.
Here's A.N.A.L.'s Soundcloud - while he has tracks and albums on Spotify, I've found I much prefer listening to sets, given that they're sort of the "album" for a DJ.
Schneller!
Rollergirl - Now I'm Singin'... And the Party Keeps on Rollin' (Spotify)
Talk about four-track: this album is quintessential basic, mass-appeal crap, yet I can't help but love this kind of garbage. If Britney Spears didn't have a name made for pop, was born in Germany, and steeped in trance-ish vibes, she would be Rollergirl. (In fact, the track Dear Jessie is essentially a Madonna cover.)  Every track has the exact same structure - kick snare percussion, a high pitched melody synth, electro-sterilized (which I prefer to autotune. Autotune implies that a singer's vocals have been 'pitch-corrected', and therefore were originally incorrect, while "electro-sterilization" implies the proper connotation of a lobotomy on natural music that these kind of vocals truly represent) vocals with totally meaningless lyrics, yet it's still immensely catchy. I don't think an album has embodied my favorite parts of cheap 90's electronica and kept my attention throughout the entire thing like Now I'm Singin'... did. I wonder if people listened to this at Rollbahnen while wearing baggy clothes, if only to save my dignity temporarily before I find out that I blasted this in my home office like teenage girls in Germany did in their rooms.
Schneller!
Herzfrequenz - Blümchen (Spotify)
It is highly amusing to me that one of the most successful pop musicians in 90s Germany was a teenager singing over 140+ BPM tracks with pithy nothings about love or wholesome messages that essentially invented the -core electric genres, albeit with happy lyrics (one wishes it would have stayed that way...) For example - "Today is My Day". This weird contrast makes these albums endlessly refreshing to listen to, as I just picture a warehouse full of people raving to a 16-year old singing "Hörst du mich?" (Can you hear me?) over and over. There's nothing in particular about the production that is noteworthy, other than it is fast, and the vocals are not as sterilized than you would expect. Sometimes, you just have to listen to the trash that you enjoy even if it reinforces the notion that you're a couple decades behind on the take.
Want to hear a joke?
Deutsche Bank.
In the years I was in New York, there wasn't a more synonymously understood truth in the financial world that, as scandal after scandal piled up at DB, there wasn't an easier target to pick on. I remember meeting people who flat out refused to tell me where they worked, which sort of underscored the truth, as they spent nearly a decade in a perpetual failure --> revamp --> failure-to-revamp cycle.
Sometime, while not picking berry plants, I did read further into the history of Deutsche Bank - I mean, originally, that was my planned path to Germany! - and came across this extensive Der Spiegel history of DB.
How a Pillar of German Banking Lost Its Way
There will be no more Liar's Poker written about the banking world, given the trajectory it has taken towards being an "ordinary job", but it is worth understanding that even institutions can fall prey to false hope.
Part of why I hate documentaries so much is that, even when they are not obviously slanted, the amount of information that is being presented to me is essentially that of a light chapter summary. Visuals which are meant to "explain" really aren't anything beyond window dressing to what someone else is trying to impart on to me. Therefore, I always like looking for longform articles on stories I see documentaries on.
A poor understanding of diplomatic immunity, and far too romantic of a description of a couple of college kids later, I read about this weird story where a guy pleaded guilty to a double murder of his girlfriend's parents that his girlfriend was accused of, even though he insisted he did not do it. I won't spoil anything, but it is curious that it became a legal cause so many years later.
The Documentary (I believe it's on various streaming services)
However, what cannot be recreated in text, is court footage and live interviews. Going from print to seeing Jens Söring interview in person is fascinating, seeing that he truly believes what he is saying, and hasn't let the rage of people not believing him consume him whole.
Now, for the first time ever, I'm gonna make a PPP liquor suggestion, featuring, of course, gin from the German Black Forest.
The Venegroni:
1 part Monkey 47 Gin
1 part Creme de Cassis
1 part Carpano Antica
Mix all ingredients with ice, and serve in a rocks glass with one ice cube.
Garnish with a Lemon Peel