Brother, can you Spare an Olive?
On the Martini
Every time I see the word 'martini' on a menu and it lists a vodka concoction, it permanently perturbs me just a little bit more than I already am due to existing. Martinis are made with gin, not vodka. Drink vodka and vermouth shaken with a lemon twist all you want, but it's not a fucking martini.
There are three kinds of martinis - dirty, dry, and perfect. And then there is the regular martini. All are made with gin. I would appreciate if someone renamed the atrocity that is the espresso (yes, espresso, not expresso, you heathens) martini - how about literally anything else? How hard is this to maintain? Why does this need to be clarified? Enter the dumbest 'martini' menu I've ever seen:
Firstly, Cosmopolitans and Lemon Drops are completely different drinks entirely. Just because something is served 'up' does not mean that it's a martini. I don't know what the hell a Jolly Rancher or Watermelon Clusterfuck are, but they certainly aren't martinis. The only thing that resembles a martini is the horridly named 'LA Skyyline', and it's beyond embarrassing that someone with standards would have to ask for a "LA Skyyline with gin instead of vodka" to get a half-assed dirty martini. To add further insult to injury, due to it being happy hour, you can't even specify a dry gin - you're getting well, and you're going to deal with it.
Instead of sommeliers, I really think bars should hire alcoholics with standards, so atrocities like this can be corrected. Name as many 'craft' cocktails after Holden Caulfield as you want, just leave the martini alone.
Really, this is all James Bond's fault. Vodka "martinis" weren't even a thing until James Bond started ordering them, and then, for some reason, everyone started ordering them, not just the people who buy Hummers to drive in the suburbs. Yes, being a fan of James Bond is overcompensating for something, and this is coming from someone who has been to James Bond themed bars in four different countries now. (Appropriately, the best one, in Bangkok, was named Vesper, and they didn't serve goddamn White Lightning tequila concoctions. They served Vespers. Not Vesper Martinis). James Bond has the same problem that superheroes do, in that everyone knows that he will save the day, get the girl, and look cool doing it, with the added issue that everything is remarkably cheesy as well. Being a fan of James Bond is like being a fan of other people's trust funds - at the end of the day, what are you getting out of it? At least Austin Powers was self aware. God Save the Martini.